south vietnam the baby in the arms of the american nurse - poems by the phong - 2

                                           DIARY OF A DEAD SOLDIER          2
                                                      poem by the phong

                                             IN MEMORY OF NGUYỄN QUỐC VĂN
                                                                                ( 1943- 1968 )

                                                          TRANSLATED BY ĐÀM XUÂN CẬN

On these evenings
                     eternalized
                             depressing
                                    rain driving
                                             perhaps the tail of a typhon
 I remember you
                  when I light a cigarette
Now what is left
                  you have fallen to dust
                                    in-the depths of the Military Cemetery
Nothing, nothing
                 except for the fragments of your diary
 Early one morning
                Wearing the jungle dress
                                    and a red beret
You were the passenger on my motobike
                                   on the way to Hoàng Hoa Thám Camp
We said nothing
                 the road was reeling under the tide of darkness
Would we ever see a new dawn
                                         you,  myself
                                              and all Vietnamese ?

Could it be
              our life
                    would always be like this motorbike
                               always cranky
                                      always needs repairing
                                                 never reliable
Finishing the one cigarette
              we shared with each other
                                      you dismounted
We pushed the motorbike
               sweating in the cold air
You only lived to be twenty five.
 In the first month'  fighting
            after doing the 119 Parachuting Course
                 and the 24 Officer Training Course
You nearly lost in an arm
             in the battle of Dakto
Spring came
           it rained a lot
                   I received your letter from Vĩ Dạ Village
 You wrote :
          " Huế is now sad
                    An Lộ is the same "
This spring
          you were not back on leave
                      we longed to hear from you
You sister, my wife
        her eyes swimming in tears
                     missing you
I could only light a cigarette
        smoking  dreamily
                 tried my best to soothe her
 " Your brother will be all right
          each  soldier has a particular destiny "
 Deep down
         I could not believe it
                    Who could tell me
 What destiny for those who die as cattle
 As whole units are chewed up in a single battle
 Amid the  monstrous anger of the guns
                                              and the rockets
 Thousands of bullets race to you at the velocity of light
We had a very sad spring
                                    the whole family missed you
Like thousand of families
                               having their loved ones at war
When would be back
                       from Khe Sanh
                                    or Lang Vei?
Then
     I was happy
                  to receive the news of your arrival
My wife
            was happy
                        half smiling
                               half in tears
                                       she could not help it
At  eight one night
                  here you were
                             in rags
                                     wearing thongs
                     and carrying a bagful of souvenirs of dead comrades
 We were happy
                    to hear your battle stories
 Changing into a new uniform
 ( that we ordered for you )
                                you said in a halting voice
"... Do you remember
                      platoon leader Lt Lộc was killed in Quảng Trị
                                               with twenty nine soldiers
We were beaten this time
                     we could only operate at section level now ... "
 "... Do you remember
                   94 Company leader Captain Thừa
( He who  liked reading " Go down at midway"
                 depicting all the damnedest things about this wretched society )
Was also killed
                   his body mutilated ...
                                     He was a loving husband and father ..."
 " ... Do you know
                     how it is to be a soldier
                                       You go to brothels
You slaughter the enemies
                 and you share among friends rice, clothing and
                whatever small sum of money you can lay hands on "
 Almost every month
                 the commander must hand out his own  money
                                   to save his men from starvation
He could not got it back
                  the dead soldiers leave their bodies for the vultures
  We like each other nothing counts any more but mateship
We care for each other
                           in life and after death .
When the wives of the dead
                          come to ask for the bodies
 We set out to recuperate every piece of human flesh
  blasted
 tender
 burned
 bloody
 ( as it was )
And we told the tearful women*
                             This is the remains of your men ...
 " ... I tell you
                  I put all these in this diary
                               I want to confide in you"
 I ask you only to read it
                  when we are no longer soldiers.
 My platoon now has less than twenty slodiers
                                                   I used to tell them
" Victory is near
                to have it
                         all of you must have discipline"
 Do not let your endeavour to serve falter
                                 whatever the conditions.
We are poor
                because our country is at war
                           Do not look at the Americans
( Our salary is less than one tenth of an advisor' s )
But we flight for ourselves
 For our families, for our kids, for your wives ...
I  said this propaganda stuff
                                 in spite of myself
 Strangely enough
                         I found it pretty heartening
                                                      I tell you
Especially when there  was not enough money
                                                   for a drinking bout
 I said  to my men as if saying to myself
                         If we are hungry
                                     ask the people for food
No one can fail to pity us
                           their sons
                           killing each other because of alien ideologies
We will tell them
                    our sallary is worth every piaster of it
                                                 but it is not enough
After twenty years of war
                    our country become so poor
                            we treasure anything we have
Although it is not easier for them to earn money
                                            they would not hesistate
It could be
        we would never come to ask for their help again just this time 
Whatever the conditions
                           keep discipline
                                      keep our good name towards the people
We must fight well
                       to defeat the enemy
                               Be alert when you are on guard duty
 Be well dressed
                    do not forget the helme
                                       tighten your shoe strings
 Do not smoke at night
                    Do not read in daytime
                                  record arrival ad departure times
 You serve in the Army
                             you must be prepared to put with these privations
In a day not very far off
                             you' ll be back home
                                          when the war fades out
 Deep down
                in my heart
                        I think
                               we Airborne soldiers
                                         will be back soon

 Could be today,
                         tomorrow
                              or the day after
                                        to our eternal resting place
  Do you remember corporal Chắc
                       he man who gave his wife five thousand every month
 He would keep only one thousand for himself
 He left us recently
                      being cut down by a salvo of enenemy bullets
" Mother-father-wife-chidren- O Vietnam ! "
                        He moaned and swooned to death
For him
              the war was finished
                                       the dead were at peace
Not long  after that
              I lay in coma
                          a bullet pumped itself between my neck and shoulder


My feet bathed in blood
                           Walking up
                                   I still saw the chicken US adviser
 He hid in the water tank
                        repared to give himself up to the first incoming Việt Cộng
 I felt pity for the goddam basterd
                              when we came to rescue him
 I smelt medecine
                    and heard the complains of wounded soldiers
 Then I opened my eyes
                       I was brought to Nguyễn Tri Phương Military Hospital 
  Huế  was over there with frail and  charming girls
 Only in this city
                 we Vietnamese are bosses
                                     in the shops and eveywhere
I want to say thanks to you
                                   Huế 
                                           I am willing to die now
                                                    if I know you will be like this
 Yet words fail me
                   when I think of my love in Nha Trang
                                                         full of Yanks


 Listen
       my love
 I want you
           to think of me
 I want you
           o know
               the photo you sent me in Christmas' 67
                                              I always keep with me
 Just looking at it
                 makes me so happy
 I also want you to know
                        there is no secret at all
 What at present
                I cannot tell you I want to live with you forever
This
       you must understand
                    You have your own affairs
                                                and also
                                                        your own future
 While anything may
                          be happening to me
                                   because I am a soldier
This bullet
              would have killed me outright
                       and its trajectory slightly changed
And tomorrow
               and the day after
                    no matter how much you cry
                             no matter how great your sorrow
The word of love
                       I utter today
                             would redeem nothing
                                    and only make you sadder
Your photo
            I always keep with me
                     long with the blood froup plaque
Your photo was with me
                        in Chtistmas night
                                 when we were under attack
 I wrote on it names of places
                              like Bản Sịa
                                             Lang Vei
If I survive this 
               I will come to see you
                         to show you my own war pictures
 If I die
           your photo will accompany me on my last journey
Do not be sad
            and do not ask why
I do not allow myself to say words of love to you
Do not pity me
      I am not the only one to suffer in this fratricidal slaughter
 I simply want
               to save you an eternal heartbreak
                                       in the prime of your life
O the foreign soldiers
                   who come to my country
 I think each of you
                   has a girl friend or a wife waiting
                                                     I sincerely wish you
To be able to come home again
                    I am also thankfull to Americans
But I must say
                 I am not impressed by as a self styled nurse


This morning
               I think of Dalat lost in mist at dawn and dusk
Looking at the medical corps sister
                                  I know how I like her
She looks like my younger sister
                               just turned sixteen
                                       he would not know I was here
How I want to join my parents, younger brothers, younger sisters and elder sister
When I come up there this time
                            I would buy a lot of things
For my younger sister a wristwatch
For my second younger brother a suit
For my youngest brother a toy pistol
For my father a transistor radio or a Ronson lighter
For my mother a pair of glasses, a pack of cards, and a shawl
O dear
            perhaps I can only buy very small gifts ...

Hell!
       the war is haeting up Hạnh Hoa, Quảng Trị,  Phong Điền 
 I pray God and Buddha
                           I will able to go home soon
This very hour
                       I was lying here
                                      wounded
                                             hurt
                                                 and dispirited
The enemy opened up fire again
                                hat the hell is going on ?
I wonder
           whether you know
                              we belong to the same race
                                          we share the same longings
The times I searched your corpses on the battelfields
                                          I always found family photos
These family photos bear testimny to your real sentiments
We all have feelings
                         a bullet cuts short a life
                                    its does not dehumanize us
I put dowm here
                  the day of my leave
I will go to Saigon
                   on the 13 th February, 1968
 Mates
        I take leave of you
                      only to meet you again ...


On these evenings
             eternalized
                   depressing
                           rain driving
                                perhaps the tail of a typhon
I remember when I light a cigarette
Now what is left
                  ou have fallen to dust
                         n the depths of the Military Cemetery
Nguyễn Quốc Văn
                     you are one of the thousand youths killed everywhere in Vietnam
 Millions of hearts grieve because none of you will never return
 You died
              on the 21st March , 1968
                           when the 9 Airborne Battalion fought in Hóc Môn
To search out the enemy attacking Saigon in the Spring Offensive
You died on the battefield flooded with fire and blood
You missed the last schedule leave
                               Now you are here in the mortuary
You are covered by the flag of our motherland
                                         your face calm, undisturbed
Amid heart-rending cries of these you love
After the burial
                   I am alone by myself
                                  on the old motorbike
On the road reeling
                     under the tide of darkness
We the living
                 cannot say anything more
                                   now that you have died
The words in your diary
                     so simple
                           and yet so painful
All your life
                 you had a tentative love affair with death
                                                                  I know this now
When I see the tomb of the nameless warrior you draw
The rifle put against it along with the combat helmet
Now the love affair has come to its natural conclusion
 O Nguyễn Quốc Văn !


In the days ahead
                    there will be thousands of youths yet to die
                                                                                 like you
We are suffocated
                     vercome with pains and despair
                                                          and humiliation
On mornings
                     afternoons
                             and evenings
                                    the Armed Forces Radio broadcasts messages
Notifying us of the lost soldiers
                                   their numbers
                                              names of fathers and mothers ...
It simply means you have died
              it simply means the end of the war is not the offing yet
It simply means
               your next of kin can now claim a sum of money
On these evenings
                   eternalized
                           depressing rain driving
                                     perhaps the tail of a typhon


I remember you
                 all of you
                when I light a cigarette
 As I hear the announcement of the Armed Forces Radio
I know you will never be back home again
I know the agonies of war will go on ...



SAIGON,  OCTOBER 28TH, 1968.

 poem by the phong