Thephong by Thephong:; the writer, the work & the life - autobiography by Thephong - 4

Thephong byThephong - 4 -  autobiography
dai nam van hien books, saigon 1973 


                             Thephong by Thephong :; the writer, the work & the life
                                                 autobiography by Thephong


                                                        CHAPTER THREE

     I began writing for the Asian Culture Magazine *  edited by Professor Nguyễn đăng Thục. My first article Hàn mặc Tử published in November is an extract from the book
 I completed since my days in Xóm Chùa -Tân định.  I wrote this book as a token of my sympathy to his painful existence, and my decision of embracing poverty to pursue literature.  When I handed the aricle to Lê xuân Khoa, Secretary General of the Vietnamese Association for Asian Culture Relations.  I knew that  I would be well-paid. 
We had then a President who did flavour to everything related to Catholicism.  In fact, this writing would have failed to materialize if not done before 1955, although Hàn mặcTử was an immensely gifted poet.  In a small and weak country a writer had to do many things involuntarily.   The spirit of Phariseeism was extremely common among those in charge of cultural affairs.  I wanted to recall a political-literary event  in charge of cultural affairs.
  I wanted to recall a political-literary event between 1957-1958.  I then finished the last volume of my  Brief History of Vietnamese Literature from 1990 to 1956.
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*  Văn hóa Á châu (TR)

    At that time Nhất Linh alias Nguyễn tường Tam came back to Saigon and edited Present-Day Culture Magazine * .  I knew that President Ngô đình Diệm met Nhất Linh in Dalat and they reached an agreement.  Nhất Linh was permitted to edit a magazine.  On the other hand, by order of the Presidential Politburo, Trần chánh Thành had to keep an eye on Nhất Linh 's  sundry activitied sundry activities.  So, the magazine had to be censored and was not allowed to be issued on a regular basis. Trần chánh Thành gave bribes to some journalists including Hoàng Phố, pubkisher of Tomorrow ** so as to have them criticize Nhất Linh.  Writer Quốc Ấn carried out this dirty job most eagerly.  If I had my above - mentioned book published, I would seemingly have acted as an agent of Information Minister Trần chánh Thành because I judged Nhất Linh 's merits unsentimentally.  This was  why I delayed its printing until 1959 when this entanglement ceased.  I wrote the book on Hàn mặc Tử out of my genuine admiration for the great poet, but I had always shrunk from my display of partisanship.  How happy could I have been if
 I had acted shamelessly like a Thái văn Kiểm who wrote Hàn mặc Tử while he knew absolutely nothing about this poet, and Vietnam , Past and Present with the obstensible purpose of gaining favours.  Nonetheless, I was sincerely thankful to Hàn mặcTử I got one hundred piasters for each page I wrote about this victimized poet.
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* Văn hóa ngày nay   **  Ngày mai  (TR)
    
     With a ten-page article I could pay one of my many debts.  But I did not tell anybody that I get one thousand piasters from manager Trịnh hoài Đức. I kept going to the library to read and write, and felt most happy.  I wrote  on  Nietzsche at the library in the afternoon, the remaining ahort stories The Soldier from Casablanca and Looking back at my Midway of Life  at the communal house in Phú nhuận *. This autobiography was rewritten thrice and I spent much time on it.  I stayed in the kitchen in  Trần thanh Đạm' s house where I could see the moon nad stars before I slept.  Afterwards I lived at Nguyễn quốc Bảo' s for a few days; I moved from one house to another many times...  Night often overtook me when I was still riding an a bicycle in the street and I was compelled to sleep at the bus-station or in Minh đăng Khánh' s room in a hotel.    The playwright was still single then.  One night I found to mu surprise that Khánh burst into tears when he saw the photo of his younger sister living in the Red-held zone.  Then I understood that article like sensitive plants.   Although Khánh always pretended to be optimistic, he was no exception.    Nguyễn quốc Bảo' s house was at Cầu sơn, seven kilometers from Saigon - but I always rode to his home, even in stormy weather.  I had to face untold hardship.  One day, I came to the library without bringing papers with me .  On the way home, I was stopped by a policeman at the corner of third-precinct -  I don' t remember which one - whgich is now the Policemen' s Hospital at Dakao.   That night I had off my cloth except for the underwear.  I was in the same room with prostitutes, hooligans, thieves - in short, all kinds of criminal suspects.  I  brought with me a love-letter from Cạo Mỵ Nhân  , and the typed sheet of Beware of the Abyss by Lưu quí Kỳ, a document for my forthcoming book on Nguyễn đức Quỳnh ** .  I spent  the whole night in jail in worry.  Fortunately, they were untouched.  The following morning, the policemen succeeded in finding my name in a family list.  The addresses were so analous that he became nervous nad threatened to strike me . Alas, the ploiceman was then more powerful than any top leader of my country, I saddly thought.  At eleven o' clock, the head of the precinct police appears.  After a  lecturing on civics, he proudly said that he never forget to bring his identification card with him.  I was fined twenty piasters .  I was branded a hooligan merely re1gime of President Diệm declined fast in me.  It seemed to me that Mt  Ngô đình Nhu' s deal brought me good to the people .
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*  a  Saigon suburb (TR)    **   Reappraisal of Nguyễn đức Quỳnh.

    My wrote to me at least twice a week.  Our love was so beautiful ! The theme of most poems in If You were my Wife is our passionate love.  The few remaining poems were dedicated to  Diệu Viên  Similarly, Poems by Cao Mỵ Nhân dealt with our love. When  I had her poems mimeographed, Mỵ was greatly grieved.  She thought we should never make known ro the public our secret love.  We were perfect strangers when we happened to meet later at the library. Because an uncle , and at the same time a tutor to Mỵ, usually accompanied her to the library.  He was, I guessed, a certain highschool teacher named Định.  He won the trust of Mỵ' s father. This uncle loved Mỵ very much.  later on, she told me that the two times we came to the cinema Eden together, the Uncle  was there too.  But he failed to recognise us because of his shortsightedness.  I could afford to live easily by writing for the Asian Culture Magazine.  I had to write only some ten pages to have the needed money.  But I had many books  which I could not manage to publish.   I had talked to many publishers but never got an agreement.  I could be  a careless fellow when loitering in the streets.  But once at home, I could not be happy because of the ever-increasing pile of manuscripts.  I would become mad and living in a sort of vacumm without any reders to respond to me.  I asked Mr Nguyễn đức Quỳnh what he thought of mimeographing books,  but he told me it wa untimely to do so.  The following year, I want to see Mr Nguyễn hiến Lê at Kỳ Đồng St.  He thought my project a sound one.  With the encouragement from him and some other people as well, I issued the book Post War Writers *, the fourth volume of my  Brief History of Vietnamese Literatures series in April 1959.
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*  Nhà văn hậu chiến 1950- 1956 (TR)

     I want to explain here the reason I issued the four volume instead of the first one.  Although I had many influential acquaintances in the Press Office - among them Press Director Hoàng Nguyên - and I had come there from sixty to seventy times in eight months, I could not  get permisssion to print my book.  A high official like Mr Hoàng Nguyên had to reply on reports presented by an inferior serving in the Psywar Department, Mr Trần tán Cửu alias Trọng Lang.  A book should be submitted to various organizations namely Council of Censors, Cultural Affairs and Psywar Department .  He asked me the reason for my long pages devoted to famous reporter-writer Vũ trọng Phụng.  I knew instantly he was chagrined by my appraisal of himself.  I refused to give him the tittle the most typical writer in his time.  He asked for a longer biography section which he got later.  But I felt my appraisal untouched.  Still unsatisfied he refused to give my longed for permit. This was why my page on Trọng Lang was so unbalanced : a long biography followed by a short appraisal.  So, the volume Post-War-Writer was only one I could publish.   On the other hand, it was the first in Dai Nam Van Hien series of Huyền Trân Publishing firm  whose founder was writer Nhật Tiến.  His first book was entitled The Woman in White *.  We planned to have printed and mimeographed editions.  Still, we could not afford to publish all our manuscripts .
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*   Những người áo trắng (TR)

     I had to pay the printing cost.  What I needed first was a typewriter.  How could I find a typewriter while I was unable to feed myself.  I came to see journalist Uyên Thao as he had an old typewriter.   Maybe it was some ten years old.  I often said it came into life since the day the French attacked the  Capital City of Hanoi.  The machine was practically of no use but I managed to get along.  The watch-maker was often asked to repair it as many as two or three  times a day.  I could only afford to buy a few stencils each time.  
I ate three piasters or sticky rice as breakfast, set to work until noon, ate some black bread, and resumed typing until as late at midnight.  Fearing that too much noise would make thee neighbours sick, I put it on a blanket.   One day when the last stencil was used, i got out for a walk and met an old student merely attending lectures at the Faculty of Letters who knew me as a contributor to the Asian Culture magazine edited by his Dean, Professor Nguyễn đăng Thục. He invited me to his home at Bùi Viện St  for literary discussions as he fed his soul on books and magazines.  I got up early the following morning, took his money, left some words for him, and want to buy a package of stencils with  $ 500.   I just  should publish my books.  Once he sought refuge in journalist Văn Nhân' s to resume writing my book  Writers in Resistance Era * . He told me would I would have money in my trip to Cap Saint Jacques. And I stole money of millionaire Trần Hoài.
  I often laughed at myself. Finishing more than two hundred pages I rushed to  Major historian Phạm văn Sơn, head of Intelligence Training  Centre Cây Mai, and first lieutenant Hoàng ngọc Liên for additional reams of paper which I brought to the mimeographing house at Nguyễn thiện Thuật St immediately.  Nhật Tiến gave me  $ 300 for jackets. Hid student consented to mimeograph without prepayment.  Alas, I happened to be in a very unpleasant and inconvenient position.   My friend Chế Vũ could not lend me money as he planned to publish a book of poetry of his own.   When the printer put the money Chế Vũ handed him in an unlocked drawers, I took one thousand without his knowing.  He later asked me whether he had received three or four thousand piasters .  In these days I was the proofreader of Chế Vũ Book Desires **.  Fortunately my books sold well, partly because I had done much advertising for it . 
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*  Nhà văn kháng chiến chủ lực 1945- 1950     **   Khát vọng  (TR)

     Triều Đẩu ordered his copy in advance at the Huyền Trân Publishing firm at 504 Red Cross St.  Another  incident was that a stranger from Central Vietnam threatened to sack his house.   Miss Đỗ thị Chi, the manager, told him to get out as the book had been approval by the Government. He lamely pulled out.

    When I met the old friend I promised to refund him.  Unwillingly, I signed on a book dedicated to him to express my gratatitude.    I avail myself of this opportunity to my thanks to all who had lended me money, in spite of themselves.

    Knowing my book sold very well I decided to print the subsequent volumes, enjoying fully the library of the press.  I made use of old publication permits I got when I was still Press Officer. So I was  safe legally even  when Hoàng Nguyên was a very cunning man.  I knew that I submitted only one copy of the manuscripts to the Board of Censors; so, they would never be able to check if the right permit was applied the the right book.  I used the permit No 300 TXB issued by Press Office on March 19,  1956 for the book Story of a Marriage as that of Looking Back at Midway of Life.  Hoàng Nguyên  could only pescribe seizure when my book was released.  Phạm Duy called me a great writer in front of
 La Pagode when he saw the copies of this book being displayed in Portail Bookshop. My size 21 x 33 photo was on the cover, the book was sold at the price $ 200  each copy.  A Chinese bookseller came to my house and asked for a permit  which promptly gave him.  Later an official in the Ministry disclosed Hoàng Nguyên' s intention to jail me which the régime because of that.  One day, Nguyễn đình Vượng, the tentative publisher of the autobiography, was reluctant to sign the agreement after a talk with his counseller Nguyễn mạnh Côn alias Nguyễn kiên Trung.  But I was not worried as in my heart I didn' t believe we could get approval for printing as I meant my book as an attack on the corrupt society.    So, I went on mimeographing books.  My Prewar Writers was better fabricated as I could borrow a new typewriter, having a salary of $ 1000 a month s a proofreaders and additional payment for my writing.  There were months I get nearly $ 4000.  I hope my readers would understand my situation then.  When I published  If You Were My Wife *, 
I had  permit but had these words printed on the cover A special supplement to Sinh Lực Magazine **. This irritated many officials a lot .
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*   Nếu anh có em  là vợ   **   Creative Efforts  (TR)

    Soon I was afraid of nothing, I didn' t care whether the Government imposed the ban of my book  or not.  Many bookshops received them, especially Quán cô Nguyệt at the corner of Công lý and Lê Lợi Sts  because they sold  well. Following is the full translation of the letter beginning a rather amusing story .


REPUBLIC OF VIETNAM
MINISTRY OF INFORMATION
79-81 PHAN ĐÌNH PHÙNG  St
             SAIGON                                                                              December, 4, 1959

                                                     DIRECTOR OF PRESS & INFORMATION
                                                                  to
                                                                  THE PUBLISHER OF SINH LỰC MAGZINE
                                                                  MM  VÕ VĂN TRƯNG
                                                                  THẾ PHONG
                                                                  Sinh Lực Magazine Editorial & Executive Office
                                                                  249 Nguyễn thiện Thuật St  
                                                                  SAIGON
        

     Dear Sirs, 

                       Would you please come to my office at 9. a.m on December 1959 for an urgent matter.
            
      Yours truly,

      For the Director of Press
            NGUYỄN VĂN NOÃN
          ( signed & sealed)


    Starting with this urgent official note, I would like to relate here the anecdote of the publication of a book of poetry the title of which sounded rather romantic.  A famous publisher who had issued some hundred books in Hanoi and Saigon wanted to have a book of poetry in his catalogue.  He thought the book would sell well, impressed by the rendering into French in a journal , Si vous m'aviez pour femme ... But the author wanted to relate what the man said to his sweetheart, Si je t 'aurais pour femme.   Vietnamese girls including those wearing low-necked áo dài never dared to say so to suit the fancy of the publisher.

    My first book of poetry was mimeographed without a permit.  It was intended as the special supplement to Sinh Lực Magazine, new volume, number 10, issued on October 25, 1959.  I only submitted it as legal deposit and distributed it for general circulation had never met such a case.  The controller refused to receive it three times.  Fortunately the Ministry of Interior and the Prosecutor's Department agreed to explain why they were the aforesaid official note which had enraged the editor formerly a representative of the first  Assembly and a school inspector.  It was the third official note from the Ministry of Information.  At first, the editor thought the content of the  book was the young love of the poet.  So, he did not care, but to be more precise, he just could do nothing as the  Secretary General was in charger of the solicitation of the manuscripts. Even the manager was a trusted man of the Secretary General. The editor had no real control over the staff; he wrote an editorial only.  And the Secretary General agreed to recognise the poem as a special supplement to the magazine.  But he gave in at last the editor and the Directorate of Press officicials annoyed him too much.  He said, ' Thế Phong, I beg you to withdraw all the copies from bookshops'.  And he added candidly , ' I am sure they will allow you to sell them later '. I simply thought he treated me as little child.  I made up my mind to let things go their course, not to recuperate the copies and ask for permission of any kind.  I was ready to be brought to court if the content of my book was really harmful to society.  If that was not the case I would never come to see them. We  saw the name of Secretary Uyên Thao only once in the cover of Sinh lực Magazine, new volume. It was the number with the special supplement which had cause a big stir among the intelligentsia. At the time Information Minister Trần chánh Thành was President of the Nationalis Revolu-
tionary Movement *  ( the irony is all its members were government officials) and the editor was a former representative.  Therefore, the government supported the magazine by buying  five hundred copies each month at the price of $ 18 each, no matter how badly composed and printed.  There were numbers of less than twenty pages each.  Per contract, we had one hundred pages each issue since number 10.  The editor then got to understand what liberty of press was.  Trần chánh Thánh was not silly as to have the book confiscated and the only thing he wanted was that the Secretary General and the editorial staff should be fired.  The editor was scolded severely; he, in turn, reprimanded the manager, a student of his from hometown Thanh hoá province.   Later, when he met me he did not forget to reproach me because of the  If You Were My Wife ... affair. 
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*  Phong trào Cách mạng Quốc gia (TR)

    Four full years have elapsed since the publication of the book and now, not one copy is left, even at old books shops were orders received from 60 to 70 % discount and surchage in case of old, rare books .  For example you have to pay only $ 30 for a book whose price is $ 100, For example, $ 55 for the book Looking Back at Midway of Life.  Longtime journalist Trần việt Sơn once told me that he himself saw there students clubbing together to buy my Brief History of Vietnamese Literature at the price of $ 60.  The word touched failed to express what I felt as my readers were young boys and girls. They bought my book because they fully appreciated my sincerity and dedication in time when conscience was not worth  a cent, to use the phrase of author Hoàng trọng Miên.  The noble gesture of my young readers made me think more than the words of the salesgirll of  Portail Bookshop, Mrs Thanh My.  She said, ' Mr Nguyễn ngọc Thơ, Vice -  President, bought your book '.  When I  asked title, she answered, ' If You Were My Wife ' . This delighted and touched me once more. It was the first time my fame was established at Portail Bookshop.   But I have to admit I appreciated the feelings of the youths towards me more than any other thing in this world.  My  mimegraphed books astonished many people including poet Hoàng Trinh alias Phạm xuân Ninh, Director of the National Broadcasting Commission.  On the opening day of the Cultural Club, sitting at the same table with Trương bảo Sơn and Nguyễn thị Vinh, he told me that I was wrongly assessing the political situation of society today which could furnish us better means of media than mimeographing and we were not in resistance period.   Some time later I read on
Bách khoa Magazine the review of the mimeographe book of poetry  The Voice of 
Liberty. * by Hoàng Trinh.   Intended as a gift only, the book was not for sale.  It was more badly fabricated than mine.  I remained speechless at the sight of this book on the  tables in various offices.  Then I came to see  him and asked for the book he borrowed from me since my stay in Triều lương Chế' s.  I guessed  he understood  me better now.
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*  Tiếng hát tự do  (TR)  

     My publishing house has published sixty works by many outstanding writers *  by mimeographing The latest one was Under the Poet' s Eyes .  

    I sincerely hope my fellow writers and more particularly, my readers, will understand my difficult situation.  Of course, I want to be like others, not different from them.  I remain a man in the street with the lowest standard of living. I have two meals every day including low-price rice, fish and freedom.  My works from  If You Were My Wife   to  Under  the 
Poet' s Eyes were badly printed :

                                   ... My life of prisoner has been full of sweat
                                       I was sad and happy in uncountable ways ...

    In the days devoted to the typing of Prewar Writers , I met Đặng thị Ngọc Oanh who lived in the same street, following her attempted suicide and divorce.  Moved, I went on a walk with her.  We met every night and she always pressed about marriage.  One night she invited me to Cap Saint Jacques **.  At first , I refused for fear or further feud with her old husband. Unfortunately, Oanh stubbornly insisted and I felt it necessary to write to Cao Mỵ Nhân that we had better not meet any more.  My answered our love meant nothing and  she had many suitors.   If I were her I would know her bitter feelings to me.
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*  the members of  Dai Nam Van Hien Group are : Cao Mỵ Nhân, Liên Hoàn, Thiết Tố, Cao thế Dung alias Cao đan Hồ, Triều Đẩu, Đỗ ngọc Trâm, Ninh Chữ, Nguyễn đức Sơn  alias Sao Trên Rừng, Khải Triều, Phạm xuân dương, Thế Nguyên,  Tạ quang Trung, Lý dũng Tâm, Chu vương Miện, Mai Lâm-Nguyễn đắc Lộc, Bùi khải Nguyên, Đinh xuân Cầu.

**  the beach of Vũng tàu (TR)
    
   I went to Vũng tàu on Saturday. In the afternoon when  I lay on the beach, Oanh told me of her past sufferings and love for me in almost ten years.  Evening appoaching, we returned to the hotel and were to bed.  On the following afternoon we came back to Saigon. Knowing she could not became my wife, I managed to shun her by telling I had to come to the new teaching post in Mỹ tho province. I fact I only moved to Trương minh Giảng St.  I also wrote Cao Mỵ Nhân informing her of the circumstances.  Once more my removal was due to a woman.  This had repeated itself many times.  I came to see Đặng
thị Ngọc Oanh in Tết time and she disclosed she had discovered herself to be pregnant.
I still held Oanh was a vulgar woman and more than that money disappeared between her fingers.  I renewed my vows not to give in, not to approach her, never to see her again.  This last was futile I had to see her when she went to my boarding house.  I pushed her out the taxi at crossroads Sư vạn Hạnh and Lý  thái Tổ Sts after a bitter quarrell.

     As for me Cao Mỵ Nhân she had enlisted as a trainee in Women's Auxiliary Corps.  I  was horribly saddened because I knew much about them when in the French Army.  They were branded as easy girls, nicknamed P.A.F  ( Pouvoir Aimer Facilement ) *.  I consoled myself, thinking of the future following My's graduation.  Alas,  hundreds of conflicting thoughts and feelings haunted and included us to quarrels.
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*  Personel Auxiliaire Féminin (TR)

    It was in Trương minh Giảng St  that I learned how to refuse a woman' s love, as described in the short story The Long Night of Love.  I had to praise myself for being wiser through time.  One tagled affair would have caused remorse to me.  The sad eyes of my friend' s wife with six children still reminded me of the past every time I visited my friend.

    As a contributor to the Asian Culture Magazine I used to come to the editorial office to stencil my Brief History of Vietnamese Literature.  I worked from  seven in the morning until two in the afternoon.  The lovely secretary named Oanh, niece of famous playwright Hoàng như Mai, kindly told me, ' You' ll get tuberculosis within one week '.  She shook her head in astonishment as I kept stenciling month after month.  One Sunday morning, I went downtown for breakfast, feeling happy after three long months of ardous work.  A woman asked me a light for her cigarette. She was noble- looking.  After some talking we two  come to Thủ  đức for fortune- telling.  On the way I appreciated her kind  manners and discovered she had failed to meet the right man in her life.  Leaving Thủ đức she propose to come to my boarding  house.  As I was a bachelor I told her to pretend to be my aunt who come to Saigon to buy a sewing-machine.   We bought a vase nad some fruir dor the landlady.  Her family name was  Cao, her given name Nguyện  An inhabitant of Nghệ an province, she claimed to be Cao xuân Vỹ' s nice.  A widow now, she had a married girl.  Mrs Nguyện was a skilled actress. In the evening we had dinner at a popular inn at Trương tấn Bửu St where I often met singer Kim Vui and her husband.  Thinking of miserable artists I felt pity for them and for myself.

    I met with two disappointments in Tết times when I criticized Hoàng trọng Miên' s Complete History of Vietnamese Literature *  in the Asian Culture Magazine with nom de plume Đường bá Bổn.  I pointed out he plagiarized the book Vietnamese Myths and Legends by Nguyễn đổng Chi, published in Hanoi some years previously.  It caused a big stir in literary and press circles as well.  Hoàng trọng Miên and a person named Thức , formely a Caodaist lieutenant, a youth cadre, a secret agent of Dr Trần kim Tuyến and then the Director Mnager of Hoàng Việt Secondary School, had co-operated to publish the book.  When they saw that I was doing them a bad turn, Thức and Nguyễn duy Miễn, a trusted secret agent of Ngô đình Cẩn, planned to get rid of me by all means such as to use Nguyễn mạnh Côn as their mouthpiece to criticize me unjustly, to hire hooligans to harass me in the streets and, if necessary, to kill me,

     All these attempts failed. A brother of my friend  journalist Uyên Thao and Lê văn Thái, informed me of all their schemes.  When a member of Việtnam Phục Quốc Hội Party close to General Nguyễn thành Phương  and Colonel Hồ hán Sơn,  I knew Lê văn Thái well.

    Afterwards Nguyễn mạnh Côn wrote in Bách khoa Magazine to send me his apologies, saying he was cheated by Nguyễn duy Miễn and Hoàng trọng Miên, and he was unaware that Đường bá Bổn was my pen name.  Truly , I did not appreciate this fake excuse. As a critic, he should speak out his thoughts on my book without fear or favour.  That he knew me made no difference at all.   I wrote a short story entitled My Cradle : A Chinese 
Family * with the inspiration drawn from that experience.  Second, at the approach of the Tết Festival, I bought a number of The People' s Daily ** after the National Library clerk disclosed there was the following news, ' We agree to your proposal, writer Thế Phong. Please come today at 5 p.m. to meet us '.  Below was the name of Businessman Văn Cầm with the address 3 Ngô đình Khôi St, Saigon.  That evening an aunt of mine came to see me. The following morning I asked Mr Nguyễn văn Ngơi to make a small inquiry.   Ngơi let me know they had plotted with the police and hoped to catch me red-handed when I came for money.  Businessman Văn Cầm showed Ngơi the forged letter signed  Thế Phong, urging him to give $ 1000,000 for the latter to print books or the authorities would be informed immediately about his irregular practices.   His face as pale as that a corpse, Ngơi said he knew it was not my signature.  All I could do then was to let  the MP' s and the Directorate General of Police know it.  It was impossible to have some words on journals as they were currently not published in Tết time. The following year journalist Anh Quân wrote an article signed Lê Thanh about this affair in Đồng Nai Daily, special last issue of the year.  Later, I found out it was probably a pratice of the goverment aiming at tarnishing the names of opposition personalities.   When one survives  a danger one often thinks of pleasure as a compensation.  So, I did not chase Mrs Nguyện out of my house.  In fact, I thought of making love with her.  Besides,  she was a widow very loyal to her late husband and I liked difficult women very much.  I came to borrow a mosquito-net and hung it up as if to receive guests .
----
*    in The Rubbish Tip Outside the City   **  nhật báo Dân chúng (TR).

   It cost me a lot efforts to convince her.  From then on, she remained in my house, stubbornly.  She asked me some money to buy a pack of cards for fortune-telling.  When she bought her effects to my house I felt very uneasy, fearing I should marry her and forget my love Cao Mỵ Nhân.

    There came one night when she failed to return. I was rejoiced though with some sad thoughts of her, guessing she might have been put in jail, as shown in my poem :

              '  ... In the middle of the night I took your imaginary body in my arm
                    Lamps were unlighted but the door already opened  to await you ...'
                                                                                           ( DISSIMILARITY )

    Every night I waited or her.  More than a week passed.  One night it was she awakened me when I slept soundly.  She told me she had been in Chí hòa jail out of  bad luck and she had been pregnant.  Yes, pregnant after years of loyalty to her husband.  This gave me the creeps, but I did not believe the story.   My only illegitimate son was Mrs Hưởng' s to my understanding.  I managed to move the house of Nguyễn văn Ngơi' s mother at 
Sư Vạn Hạnh St. And I told Nguyện  I was compelled to go to Nha trang for school teaching. By that time I had stopped writing to the Asian Culture Magazine after editor 
Lê xuân Khoa apprised me that Research Department under the jurisdiction of the President 's Office often required about the development of my thought, and Professor Nguyễn văn Trung submitted a report accusing me of being the top saboteur of South Vietnam' s cultural activities ... Besides, the Asian Culture Magazine had started talking politics at the request of Asia Foundation which financed it to my knowledge.

    I had the satisfaction of getting rid of Mrs Nguyện.  Ironically, I still had trouble with Đặng thị Ngọc Oanh, also in pregnancy. She asked Mrs Nguyễn văn Ngơi' s mother some money to go to the maternity hospital, but in vain.  I took money from a friend of Ngơi without his knowledge and came to Hung Vương Maternity Hospital.  When this became known to others, I was forced to live at the expenses of journalist Uyên Thao 's  foster mother at Trương minh Giảng St.   I had meals with her and slept at Uyên Thao' s rented  flat nearby.   I felt pity and love Đặng thị Ngọc Oanh and her newly born daughter. Nguyễn văn Ngơi 's mother said that the baby looked like me very much.  The voice of my conscience induced me to write the poem  My Unique Visit to You and our Daughter :

   ...  Why did  you not come to see me after I was pregnant nine long months ...
        I earnestly awaited you on rainy nights
        Do you not understand our daughter needs you so much ?
        And you shook your head and pushed me to the crossroads
        My eyes are dimming and my blue veins becoming more visible ...

   ... O children whose fathers persue literature passionately
       They can count on their mothers only
       I wander if you will be back this rainy night
       And see our daughter at least once ...
                                         ( DISSIMILARITY )

   One morning I sat in a coffee shop near my house when the friend of Nguyễn văn Ngơi lead a policeman to bring me to the police station.  I had to sign on a paper, pledging 
I would pay the debt of $1000; then I was released.   I saw Đặng thị Ngọc Oanh only once or twice these days.  I never met her again.


    In this period,  journalist Uyên Thao and I decided to run another mimeographing house to publish works critical of the politically wretched society. The first publication was the book of poetry The Clouds from Hanoi (1) by Nhị Thu; the second, Tenacity (2) by Bùi khải Nguyên consisting of poems as bitter as  gall denouncing the régime and fomenting  the revolutionary spirit; the third,  Immensity (3) by newly-appointed judge Đào minh Lượng. His father was worried as the book was published without a permit, given the fact that 
Bùi khải Nguyên, a lieutenant serving in the International Control Commission, had been  transferred to a unit on the front line and a friend of ours, chief of a public affairs team, was blamed for allowing Nhị Thu to display his books in a bookshop at Kiên giang province, and lost his job when he agreed to mimeograph  Studies on Poets and Poetry (4)  by Uyên Thao.  Later,  Uyên Thao was interrogated in the Directorate General of Police.  The fourth publication was my book  Dissimilarity (5) cataloguing all unjust things in society and blaming irresponsable poets and writers.  A typical poem , Conptemtible Men (6) recorded what I thought of Professor Nguyễn văn Trung after he reported that I was a saboteur :
----
  *  1- Mây Hà nội   2-  Thiết tha  3-  Vô cùng   4-  Thơ Việt hiện đại   5- Sai biệt   6. Hạ nhân (TR)

          ... When one has  beautiful wife along with nice bed and blankets
              When one' s hair is well-combed, when one' s shoes are shining,
              When one has the soul of a mercenary,
              One is but a servant in spite of the appearance. 
                                                                                                                                                          (DISSIMILARITY )

      Here is another which alluded to his attitude then:

              I have kids but am seperated from my wife; so, when the evening
                                                                                              lamps are lighted
              I want to touch the neighbour' s kids,
              I love them and speak their language,
              I hope you understand why I refused to shake your hands.

              My wife left her house to come to see me late in a rainy night
              She wore torn clothes and her hair was uncared of
              She had come through guards, barbed wire rolls and hight walls;
              Embracing me, she told me never to receive you as a guest .

        ...   Although you want to promote humanity' s love
              Your words are lamentably unconvincing
              Because you fail to grasp the meaning of love .

              Although you claim to be a philosopher
              You' re but a government' s agent
              Speaking untrue things in the same ways as a salesman
              At the port, at the bus-station and in the express cabin

              Please don' t ask  why I cease to be your friend
              Old acquaintances, we are now strangers
              We ' ve been on the same road, but you have departed ... 
                                                                      ( DISSIMILARITY )

     I wrote this after a night walk with Cung trầm Tưởng. An Air Force officer he now served as Press Officer in the President's Office with Lê văn Thái.  A genuine romantic with a cleansed conscience he would not bring himself to submit reports on his colleagues and did not hesistate to scold dirty people including secret agent, a lawyer writer Nhuệ Hồng alias Nguyễn hữu Thống. Alas, they loved their brothers by lip service and unscrupulously exploited them in the name of charity.  Once, he and I intended to ride a hired cyclo to Catinat St,. drink coffee in Givral, and loudly protest against the phony régime .   We thought the foreign press would cover this incident, making it an exciting news item.  Cung trầm Tưởng later gave up this out of fear.

    In Sáng tạo * editorial office, Nguyên Sa alias Trần bích Lan aked if I consulted the  dictionary when composing verse, hinting that  I was uneducated.  I coolly made clear that he was not in a position to look down on me.  Unmasked he threatened to beat me. 
 I grinned and advised him to be wiser for his own interests.  He boasted he had learned Chinese pugilism, then walked in to Mai Thảo' s room.  That day,  poet- student  Diễm Châu alias Pham văn Rao accompanied me, so, the incident was known to many univeristy and highschool students.  Nguyên Sa later blamed me in his philosophy classes in Chu văn An Highschool. An old student of Nguyên Sa' s, now an apprentice lawyer, persuaded me to take some measure against this injustice.  I wanted instead to express the appreciation of his  mentioning me so sincerely in presence of others.  One night after seeing a war movie starring Gregory Peck and Win-Win Than, I dropped in Paradise  Coffee Shop ** on Lê Lợi St.  Nguyên Sa walked to my table and recounted the incident.
-----
*  tạp chí  Sáng tạo   **  Thiên Thai (TR)

     Smiling broadly, I assured him I had ceased to  think of it for a long time and deep in my heart, I did not nourrsih any enmity to others though I always commented with sharp irony and grisly humour on their acts, and we got to live no matter how many petty things had occured.  I also expounded that my way of life was to be sincere to myself and do what 
I though to be right.  The iromy was that I had no companion more companionable than solitude, just as a mockingbird only sings for its own enjoyment in the towering clouds .

     There is no doubt I was the most storm-centered writer of my time. In Christmas of 1959, Dr Lý trung Dung gave a  dinner in honor of poets, playwrights, essayistes, editors, novelists on his villa at the corner of Lê văn Duyệt and Phan thanh Giản Sts.  Le xuân Khoa and I represented the Asian Culture Magazine. I wore  plain shirt and turned my back on the dignitaries to join young journalists Uyên Thao, Lý đại Nguyên ... When Moet Chandon champagne was served, the waiter did not bring cups and LU biscuits to our table.  I called him but he pretended not to hear me, even after I repeated the request for the third time. I then told him I wanted to talk to his master.  This awed him, his master being the President 's trusted man who would have been named a government minister had there not occured the Thị nghè Bridge.   Scandalous  accident costing some hundred of lives in a fair organized by him recently.  Dr Dung asked Phạm xuân Thái to be troubleshooter.  With a smile on his lips, Phạm xuân Thái came to us, but it was too late.  I poured champagne to wash my hands with and others joined me.  My anger then subsided and my friends and I came to Uyên Thao 's foster mother 's house to eat sticky rice and deliciously cooked chicken.  In 1960 I hated Phạm xuân Thái for running the artists and writers ' club financed by Dr Lý trung Dung.  Võ đức Diên also opened Anh Vũ Inn to watch the intelligentsia.  He used some personalities including famous musician  and composer Phạm Duy to dispel the air of fear and suspicion that hung over the inn.  There was still another thing.   Võ đức Diên and Lê văn Siêu were co-editors of Xây Dựng Magazine. I argued with Nguyễn đức Quỳnh over the case of Lê văn Siêu who ruthlessly exploited the free-lance contributors.   I respected Nguyễn đức Quỳnh for having boycooted Võ đức Diên and Lê văn Siêu.   Upon Diên' s death, Mrs Nguyễn đức Quỳnh was among his mourners.  She later asked me whether I took part in the funeral.  I flatty answered I could not pay homage to the memory of an architect turned secret agent.  Mrs Quỳnh seemed to be sorry for me but she tried to amuse me by saying that the late man had a very charming daughter.  We all laughed, uneasily.  For the same reason. I deplored the case Phạm xuân Thái who brought himself to be an innkeeper to gather information for the government.  Dr Lý trung Dung was responsible for financing all pro-government cultural  activities.  One the opening day of club, the hell was crowded with guests.  When journalist Uyên Thao and I arrived we met Phạm xuân Ninh who reproached me for mimeographing books.  Then he came upstairs.  As the National Front  for Defense of Freedom of the Press * headed  by chairman Ly trung Dung had just issued the Vietnamese translation of Boris Pasternak' s Doctor Zivago, litho- printed , the innkeeper presented some hundred copies to the guests for inspection, but some did not return the books.  Pale with anger he put the remaining ones in the drawers.   The onetime Minister of Information completely ignored elementary psychology.  Why did he not let these people bring the books home and devour them and by so doing contribute to the anti-communist struggle ?  I want to relate here a feat by the British Information Service in Hanoi. A friend of mine then accused me of stealing a book in B,I.S. Library.  While I was detained at the station house for interrogation one policeman phoned the B.I.S. for confirmation.  Here is the reply a B.I.S. official :  ' He simple had not returned the borrowed book, it is our intention to let him use the book a long as he wants to.  This is our policy, you know.  Vietnamese readers seldom read books intended as gift ...'
----
*   Mặt trận bảo vệ Tự do văn hóa (TR)

    I also want to put here the comment of Tam Lang  alias Vũ đình Chí on Free World Magazine *  in Fatherland Daily : ' We Vietnamese don' t like this magazine  because its paper is not fit for domestic purpose '.  I was angered by Phạm xuân Thái ' s brutal attitude, although I had not touched the book because I had read its French version. 
 I want to add among the guests were Dr Đàm quang Thiện, journalist Lê Văn alias Vũ bắc Tiến, Duy Sinh alias Nguyễn đức Phúc Khôi, Nguyễn khắc Ngữ ,  Uyên Thao  and Tuệ Giác alias poet Tuấn Giang , etc... I drank a glass of 33 beer as I felt like to bat someone.  When journalist Duy Sinh addressed me impolitely my anger  rose. But I left him alone as I had always considered him as a bouc émissaire ** in all matters .   Then Tuệ Giác added that I was a cowboy literary genuis. I wanted him to repeat it. He did not speak.  I renewed my request for the third time. Still silence, I then held the glass of beer, walked to  Tuệ Giác' s table and poured beer on his face.  MM Đàm quang Thiện and Lê Văn tried to calm me down while I loudly blamed Phạm xuân Thái, Tuệ Giác and literary pimps Hoàng trọng Miên and  poet Đỗ Tấn alias Đỗ tấn Xuân and revealed to others some behind-the scenes stories.  I left the room and hurried home on a taxi.  Phạm xuân Thái ' s prestige was badly hurt when a journal covered this incident later.
----
 *  Thế giới tự do, báo phát không của Mỹ / USIS   **    scapegoat  (TR)

    Meeting journalist Duy Sinh at Life Mgazine * editiorial officeI enlightened him on  the motive of my action the other night. Like him, Uyên Thao and I  were contributors to this magazine which was financed by Communist Victims  Association ** Chairman Ngô trọng Hiếu and directed by his counselor Nguyễn đức Quỳnh.  The price of an essay was $ 400, a piece of creative writing $ 300 and a poem $150. With this means of support we could live and mimeograph books.  One day Communist Victims Association  Secretary General and Life Magazine managing editor Lưu Hùng adked for autographs on a mimeographed book when we came for money.  When we left we turned our eyes back to see if we were followed.  A very bad omen indeed ...
----
*  bán nguyệt san Sống, chủ nhiệm Ngô trọng  Hiếu    **   Hội Nạn nhân Cộng sản  (TR)

   We came owntown and spent all the money we just got, feeling like a death in front of his last delicious meal.

     Every time I got money from the editor, I visited Cao Mỵ Nhân and saw her two big, dark eyes reflecting her worry about our future.  I then planned to flee to France via Cambodia. I had packed all my manuscripts along with the snapshots, tokens of old happy days for her to keep, I knew Cao Mỵ Nhân had to suffer from my rumours because of me.  She often told me her father 's comment on me , ' He was talent but his pride is too great.  Do you want me to bend the knee before him ? '  and her defence , ' He always loves me better after he beats me '.  She had many dreams and used to write stories of conjugal life wherein the husband often quits his family to court a girl, while the wife continues to perserve in her daily duty and eventually they forgive one another and live happily hereafter.  I read these stories in Ngôn luận Daily.  She also wrote a myriad of swell  love poems. ( She once wrote ten poems out of single walk in company with me )

    A girl  with afrail body and a soft mild voice is my destiny.  My affair with Cao Mỵ Nhân was undoubtedly my most memorable one.  A very thrifty girl she recorded all her daily spendings in a notebook.  Revolutionaries need support, witnessing too much death and horror.  I need a wife like Mỵ as an anchor in the world.

   In a visit to journalist Uyên Thao ' s foster mother ' s house, she bitterly reproached me for being too craving for women.  And she persuaded me to be puritan like Uyên Thao, my best friend.   I thought she was less in love with me afterwards and a little inclined to hate me, as if I had refused her love.  Alas, my five year long affair suddenly came to an end one early morning !   I was choked  by memories, happy and sad !  I still remember my trip to Vũng tàu where Cao Mỵ Nhân spent summer holidays with some of her friends. We came to the beach at Eo Quắn.  When she slightly fell on the slope of the hill, her two friends turned their eyes to me, saying ' Do come to her help '.  I replied, ' Life 's realities are not those of Lê văn Trương 's novel wherein men are depicted as women' s servants '.   I later realized I had unconsciously turned nasty and she had been so much hurt that something in her perished .  When we came back we met a very big snake.  They hurried home while I stayed on the spot to smash its head with a rock  Even this is the matter of a poem by Cao Mỵ Nhân :

                                                ADORATION

                                   If the snake on he road
                                   Comes to trail around my leg, 
                                            I' ll burst out laughing and clap my hands
                                   I find death better than going by your side 
                                   With a flame of admiration in my heart 

                                  As I long for love,
                                            my poetry deals with it openly  
                                  While you are sad and unaware
                                  I have wanted to turn my head many times
                                  I don' t think you are sincere through elegant manners.
                                                             CAP SAINT JACQUES, 1960 
                                                               ( POEMS BY  CAO MỴ NHÂN )

    Women  need love more than men do.  A woman wants her lover to say over and over again that he loves her and does not appreciate a too secret love.  I doubted whether Cao Mỵ Nhân ever knew that I had to take great efforts to buy for her a Chanel no 5 bottle of perfume and came just to see the violet flowers in front of her house, not daring to call her out.  We loved each other well, but it was written in the book of fate that we would never live together.  O dear Mỵ, I feared my only scent-bottle could not perfume our love for long.  Many more were needed, but I had never earned as much as $ 10,000 a month in my life, so how could our love endure ?  Once a woman said to me that we did not need money to be happy.  I replied that the encounter would have failed to materialize had I not spent lavishly.  We did need money. Anyway I coud not bring myself to live dishonestly to have money .

                                                                  ***

     In the course of my literary career I received help from namy friends such as eminent critic Nguyễn hiến Lê, Nguyễn minh Hiền alias Lữ Hồ,  Lê xuân Khoa, Trịnh hoài Đức, Phan văn Thức ... Every time I stood in need of less than $ 500 I dispatched a man to get it for me.  In the case of Nguyễn hiến Lê I gave his precious books in return for his help.  They helped me to mimeograph Friedrich Nietzsche (1)  and The Wounded Soldier (2). Another great benefactor of Sùng chính viện and Dai Nam Van Hien was mimeographing house Kỳ Đồng  who worked for us in spite of many dangers.   I remember  MM Ngô đình Ân, Ngô đình Á, and Misses Ngô thị Mỹ and Ngô thị Nga from  Nha trang.  I often said jokingly that they were unlike the Ngô clan athough their family name and faith were the same as the President 's.  After the first coup d' état fizzled out, Miss  Ngô thị Mỹ had to burn all our books !   I regret  journalist Uyên Thao 's failure to wipe off old scores even after he had much money.  As for me I had never got a salary about $ 5000 to pay debts to those who were sometimes poorer than me.   Eldest brother Ngô đình Ân, a former student of Yersin Highschool in Dalat, appreciated fully our books.   His brother Ngô đình Á, a talented painter, illustred the books of poems magnificently.   Ngô đình Á was no  more, he had died in battle in Cần thơ as a conscript who received only $ 120 a month in the training period.  A young poet once advised me to marry Ngô thị Mỹ so that she and I could operate the Dại Nam van Hien (3) Publishing house with more success.  I would write and choose books while she ran the Gestener duplicator .
----
(1)   Friedrich Nietzsche & Chủ nghĩa  đi lên con người
(2)   Người thương binh liên khu
(3)   Dai Nam Van Hien means  The Heritage of Great Vietnam .  (TR)


    In mid 1960 I still live on articles sold sold to Life Magazine.  At night I played card with journalist Uyên Thao for fun.  I daytime I read L' Amour de Rien by Jacques  Perry, the only book I read the third time. It was about the love of Martine Sandy and a planned suicide.  The character became a millionaire.  But he could not find the meaning for his existence after serving in the army, smuggling pictures ... In short, after living too long without a purpose.  The author condemns Jean- Paul Sartre 's existentialism as phony, given his real attitute in life.   In this period I sold mimeographed book to a Chinese retailer.  One favorite saying of mine then was, ' Europeans prints books, Vietnamese collect them and  Chinese sell them out '.  This Chinese man could appreciate interesting books.  He bought Post Writers from me at the price of $ 30 each copy, and sold it at $ 60.  He made money and so did I . He also procured rare French books . 

                                                                               ***

    It was a tumultous day when the putsch broke out *.  People crowded the streets to watch fierce fighting. Not fearing stray bullets some climbed trees in nearby to look the Presidential Palace. A business- minded man could sell the place to another for  thirty or foury piasters.  I heard that a seller was lucky enough to recuperate the priviledged place after the buyer was killed.  A few people even shouted, ' Let 's go and get Madame Ngô đình Nhu, let 's strip her and pull out all her public hairs ' .  '  After the coup failed many had troubles.  A policeman climbed the Bà chiểu Market gate to put down the picture of President Ngô đình Diệm and was later arrested. On 12 th, November, my neighbour, a lieutenant, tore the picture of President Diệm  and rejoiced.  In the afternoon the same day he sighed pitifully and got another picture to hang on the wall.  Thereafter he was very reluctant to meet others.  Fortunately the cops did not keep an eye on us as most of our visitors were officers.  In those days judge- poet  Đào minh Lượng  often came to see me and Trâm, Uyên Thao 's charming foster sister.  She previously left her house to follow  a movie actor, but eventually came home to start her life again.  Lawyer Nguyễn tường Bá also came to see her, but he pretended to visit journalist  Uyên Thao.  On rainy days when we found ourselves destitute, the torture for me -  and how much more was its so if Trâm were my sweetherst - was to witness her fasting.  Before arriving here I had known hard times in  Catholic Refugees Hamlet days,  Đào minh Lượng and I shared every ten piasters that happened to be in our pockets. We often came to eat at Đào minh Lượng 's' house.  I could never forget these meals in the cosiness of a family. His mother treated me like her own son and often asked my opinion on family matters.   When a highschool teacher came to ask the hand of her daughter Liên, she said,' Dear Phong, my son Lượng like you and so do I, though you' re poor . He told me you' re well educated though
 you' ve never sat for an examination and that he used your Introduction to Politics ** as reference book when he was a freshman at the Faculty of Law.   I would like to ask you to choose the right man for Liên and then you, Lượng and I will live together for ever.  I trust you '. 

     I respected her as my own mother.
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*   11 November 1960.        **  Muốn hiểu chính trị / Thế Phong / Saigon 1955    (TR)

    In our hamlet  there lived an unmarried middle-aged woman from a rich family in Hải phòng province.  She liked me  well. She once handed me her photo of long ago and told me I was the only man to see it.  A fervent Buddhist she used to come to the pagoda to pray for us.  Of course I had nothing to offer her.  When I moved away she gave me ten cinnamon apples whose flavour I have always reembered.

   Cao Mỵ Nhân was jealous of Trâm.  I explained she was Nguyễn tường Bá 's girl-friend, not mine.  In fact, I considered Trâm as my little sister, and she treated me as her own brother.

    It was the first time I succeeded in mastering myself  and my desires.  I also refrained from making love with the wife of T.,   a friend  who liked me well in Trương minh Giảng St., near the Văn Lang Theater. Alas, it was women who caused all my sufferings in life !  It is true that love cause innumerable wrongs, but  I  cannot scape it.


                                                                            ( to be continued : chapitre four )

    The phong.